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I Wish It Was Cool To Be a Nerd When I Was a Kid...

2010-04-26T10:56:00.000-07:00

Just look at what's popular these days: Kick-Ass, Harry Potter, wearing large black glasses, plaid shirts, v-necks, and sweaters.

I was watching an NBA playoff game this week and at the post-game conference Lebron James was dressed like Steve Urkel!

If I saw this guy when I was in high school, I would have kicked his ass.

The same goes for Dwyane Wade:

Come here Dwyane, It's wedgie time!!!

And this movie Kick-Ass.

It's a bunch of nerds. McLovin can't be a superhero. He would be shot and killed so fast. Also, is this actor aging like Benjamin Button? Wasn't he a senior in high school in Superbad? Seniors in high-school shouldn't be playing superhero dress-up....

There's even a band called N*E*R*D, so I guess they think it's cool to be a nerd? Maybe they never got swirlys in high school, cause I sure did. It wasn't so fun to be a nerd then, why is it so cool now?

Bad Popsicle Stick Jokes

2010-04-23T10:10:00.001-07:00

Here are some original jokes that wouldn't work too well on children's food:

Q: Why did the camel have a lump on it's back?

A: The camel had cancer.

Q: Why do polar bears have strong hands?

A: To crush the skulls of baby seals and then tear the flesh off of their skeletons.

Q: Why did the girl fall off of the swing?

A: Because she had no arms.

Q: Why did the boy leave his backpack on the playground?

A: Because a pedophile kidnapped him and is now raping him in his basement.

Who do you want to be like when you grow up?

2010-02-25T16:59:00.000-08:00

Yesterday, in my 4th grade class, I had to write a paper about who I want to be like when I grow up.

Obviously, I chose Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson. I mean, he never said what he was cooking, but I think it was a pretty damn good career...or some kind of delicious beat-down casserole.

Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson was such a good professional wrestler, he decided to leave the sports arena and take a shot at the world of acting and has since conquered that world. To progress from super-athlete to mega-actor, it doesn't get any better than that.

This guy was so great as "the Scorpion King" in "The Mummy" that he got his own Hollywood movie spin-off....unheard of! If Jesus could cast the movie "Tooth-Fairy", he would have picked "The Rock" to play the tooth-fairy...maybe Jesus did cast "Tooth-Fairy"? Did he? And "The Rock" isn't even an actor! He's a professional wrestler! How did he find out he could act so well when he was busy kicking ass?!?! He's a one in a million type of talent. A diamond in the rough. Well, a rock in the rough (get it? pun intended!).

Even with all of those accomplishments, Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson can't hide the fact that he's a total douche. Ooooooh, someone just laid the smack-down! Did you smell what I cooked there, "Rock"? You suck, douche.

And I had to check wikipedia to make sure you weren't in "Chronicles of Riddick" and "Fast and the Furious" cause you look a lot like that douche, Vin Diesel, too.

Tiger Woods to Make Statement Tomorrow (2/19/10)

2010-02-18T12:39:00.000-08:00

Tomorrow, Tiger Woods will be issuing a statement regarding his recently-discovered extramarital activities along with when we can expect his return to the PGA tour. Popular belief is that Tiger will not be answering any questions. Basically, le Tigre is going to try to clear up some of the uncertainty of his future and attempt to protect his image while avoiding the mess he has created. If I could ask Tiger some questions, I think I would start with some of these:

- You were hooking up with some stupid fly honey's. So, Tiger, I ask you...was it awesome?

- Mr. Woods, did you ever play the back 9?

- Which of your many, many mistresses had the best pair of floppers?

- Are you now afraid of your wife, Elin, going all ghetto on your ass again?

- Tiger, did you really pork the middle-aged waitress from Perkins or is that bullshit?

(If yes, Tiger, what the hell were you doing frequenting a Perkins? Aren't you some kind of super billionaire?)

- Keep it real with me now. Would you do it again?

Battle of the Baldwins

2010-02-17T21:57:00.000-08:00

To rank the Baldwin brothers would go a little like this (reasons are included):

1. Alec - He's got the best career by far, and he was the first to join the biz. Revitalized by "30 Rock" (along with Tracy Morgan) and popularizing Tina Fey and Jack McBrier throughout the past few years, he's become an icon of TV and made it back to the big screen. Easily the most handsome Baldwin.

Pros: "30 Rock", "The Departed", "Outside Providence", "Royal Tenenbaums", and "Along Came Polly"

Cons: Appearances on "Will & Grace"

2. Stephen - "Bio-Dome" and "The Usual Suspects". That's enough to solidify second.

Cons: Reality TV. "The Celebrity Apprentice","Celebrity Big Brother", etc.

Wild Card: "Ty Murray's Celebrity Bull-Riding Challenge"

3. Daniel - The cocaine addicted Baldwin brother. Yep, it's Daniel who plays with the nose-candy, not Billy. Neither of them are very worthy, but Daniel is better known....purely because of his cocaine addiction.

Pros: He was in a movie called "Sidekick" which makes me think of the Chuck Norris thrillride "Sidekicks". Always good to be associated with that movie.

Cons: That whole cocaine thing...

4. Billy - The silent Baldwin and by far the ugliest. He was considered for the role of Batman in "Batman Forever" but was eventually beat out by......Val Kilmer? (If he had landed that role, he would have landed above Daniel on this list, poor guy).

Pros: "The Squid and The Whale", "Gossip Girl", "Dirty Sexy Money", "Fair Game" with Cindy Crawford.

Cons: Constantly confused with cocaine-addicted brother "Daniel." Was denied the role of Batman.

Hook

2010-01-09T10:18:00.000-08:00

So, I'm a big fan of the movie "Hook" and I'm watching it today after not seeing the film for a couple years. Here are some thoughts I have on the movie:

- The Lost Boys are homicidal orphans. The Lost Boys are little kids (ages 7-13) whose lives resemble the movie "Camp Nowhere" except there is one difference. Instead of partying and attempting to put their penises in strange places like teens with no parents around, their primary goal in life is to kill adults. If they ever lose their marbles and have to go back to the real world, they will never be able to adjust to a normal society. We would have to put these kids to sleep like rabid dogs.

- Peter flies into the bedroom of a teenage girl and starts to cry on her bedroom floor she asks "You boy, why are you crying?" not "What the hell are you doing in my bedroom?" The conclusion we can draw from this is that Wendy is a total slut.

- Smee's man-crush on Captain Hook aside, the pirates seem a little too happy for a group of middle-aged men without a woman in sight. I mean, I like guns and grog as much as the next guy, but something seems a little......queer...about these particular pirates, if you ask me.

-Yep, Jack Panning went from Captain Hook's protege to William Lichter, the geek from "Can't Hardly Wait"

- Then my mind kind of trailed off and I started to imagine what the small version of Tink would look like naked....it's not bad.

Top Ten Rock/Alt Albums of the Decade

2010-01-06T18:30:00.000-08:00

Here is a list of my top ten rock or alternative rock albums of the 2000's. I am an un-biased music fan.

10. N*E*R*D - In Search Of...

9. Spoon - Ga Ga Ga Ga Ga

8. The Libertines - The Libertines

7. The Killers - Day & Age

6. Guster - Keep It Together

5. The Love Language - The Love Language

4. MGMT - Oracular Spectacular

3. The Libertines - Up The Bracket

2. The Strokes - Is This It?

1. The Mars Volta - De-Loused In The Comatorium

Notable Mentions:

- Yeah Yeah Yeah's - It's Blitz

- Arctic Monkeys - Whatever People Say I Am, That's What I'm Not

- The Strokes - Room On Fire

- Gorillaz - Demon Days

- The Mars Volta - The Bedlam In Goliath

- The Killers - Sam's Town

- Metric - Fantasies

- Ted Leo & Pharmacists - Shake The Sheets

- 30 Seconds To Mars - A Beautiful Lie

An Excerpt From my Sister's Diary

2009-11-23T12:06:00.000-08:00

So, how did I get my hands on this here diary? Well, it was Saturday, I was going through my sisters drawers and found it so I started reading and laughing (at her, not with her). Then she burst into her room and started yelling and biting me like a huge bitch. I gave in and she yanked the diary out of my hands. However, I was able to rip a page out and salvage the writing. Here is what it said:

"...and then when I stood up, he had blood all over his pant leg. And to make matters worse my whole 4th period (no pun intended) Spanish class started laughing at me and thought it was the funniest thing ever. It was horrible, it was the worst day of my life.

-Heather

November 15, 2009

Dear Diary,

Guess who has a new nickname at school? Yep, all the senior boys are calling me "period girl" and all of my friends are avoiding me like the plague. The only positive thing about today is that it couldn't be any worse than yesterday.

Since I was alone all day, it gave me time to think. I had a revelation. I think I'm ready to lose my virginity! And I thought I knew who the perfect guy was, Donny Johnson. He is sooooo cute and funny and, like, just perfect. So I went to tell him the news and see if he was interested in me at all and he said "I'd love to bang you, I just don't wanna be your first." So I said why not? He told me he banged Megan Simmons (Megan Simmons is a stupid slut who wears wayyyy too much make-up!!! I can't believe Donny slept with her) and that he was her first. So apparently that whore didn't leave him alone for a year. Calls every day, calls every night, text messages, showing up at his front door, making friends with his mom behind his back, the whole shabang. Now, he says that his mom has enough friends and that he doesn't want to go through that again. I said I would be fine with just porking and I wouldn't go crazy but he still won't believe me. What can I do to convince him? Should I just bang Robert Frazier and get it over with? I heard Robert Frazier has a huge"

And that's where it cuts off. Hmm...I never knew that about Robert. Good for him. I guess my sister is a whore. I wonder if she has this Megan Simmons' phone number?

If I were Robert Pattinson...

2009-11-13T12:07:00.000-08:00

If I were Robert Pattinson, I'd hire a guy to check ID's at my bedroom door, 18 and up only!

If I were Robert Pattinson, I'd make chicks call me Edward when we banged.

If I were Robert Pattinson, I'd wear vampire teeth everywhere I went and when people asked if I was Robert Pattinson, I'd say, "no, I'm just a big fan."

If I were Robert Pattinson, I'd keep bags of hawaiian punch in my refrigerator so if I brought back any thirsty, drunk sluts from the club they would think I was really a vampire.

If I were Robert Pattinson, I would dress up as a pirate for Halloween and when people get pissed off that I'm not a vampire, I'd say, "I'm a vampire the other 364 days of the year, can I be a pirate for 1 day? Come on!"

To all the 16 year old men out there: If I were Robert Pattinson, I'd bang your girlfriend....

Adam wanted to contribute one, so I let him: "If I were Robert Pattinson, I'd be in jail for statutory rape." - Adam Barefoot

Short Films for the bored

2009-08-02T19:06:00.000-07:00

With the production of our new web series going slow, we have been writing and planning to do a short film or 2 in the near future. Looking for inspiration I have been searching youtube and other websites to find all types of short films. If anyone out there is as bored as me (probably not), here are the 7 best shorts I came across that may keep you entertained at work.

7. Sun Sessions

The coming of age tale about a unique high school elvis fanatic who gets dumped by his first true love. Instead of roses and chocolates, Henry and his bandmates try to win back the girl through more creative methods, but her new annoying "jock" type boyfriend is ready to fight for her.

6. Samsara

The sun is dying, the sky is falling, the world is ending. But in less than eight and a half minutes, hope is coming.

Samsara: Episode 2 - "Jeff" from Roshan Murthy on Vimeo.

5. Bullet In The Brain

Based on the short story by Tobias Wolff. Amazing acting, writing and directing. A must see for a writer or director.

PART 2 here: watch

4. School Of Life

A school teacher gives her students the answers to all of life's questions.

3. Autonomy

A man contemplates the numbing monotony of daily working life, and his escape from it. All of you recent college grads realizing how much working life sucks will appreciate this one.

2. The Legend Of David

FCRabbath (Freddy Rabbath). Remember this director, he will be the next Steven Spielburg.

This short film is long but amazing for a high school student on a zero dollar budget. Beautifully made with a great suspenseful story.

1. Hotel Chevalier

A beautiful love story... Or maybe not. This was the short film that played before the Darjeeling Limited, written and directed by Wes Anderson. Amazing directing/cinematography, wonderful acting and beautiful dialogue. If you like this you should watch the whole movie, The Darjeeling Limited.

A Take on Michael Vick

2009-07-30T12:38:00.000-07:00

This is a take on Michael Vick from the viewpoint of a dog lover and sports fan.

Michael Vick is a man that has committed heinous crimes against animals. He was also once classified as the most electrifying man in professional sports. There are no amount of apologies that will satisfy PETA supporters and extremists but Michael Vick has fully served a 2-year jail sentence for his crimes and is ready to move on with his life. As a dog owner, I wouldn't want him anywhere near my dog, but as a sports fan, I am not alone when I say that I am curious as to whether he can still play at a professional level. A court appointed arbitrator sentenced Vick to a 2-year jail sentence to pay his debt to society. He has completed that sentence and he's paid his debt to society. In my opinion, he should now be able to continue with his career.

Professional football is not a sport for everyone. Professional football takes a physical toll on the players who play the game ensuring that even the longest of NFL careers would end around the age of 40. A player who plays the game like Michael Vick would be lucky to be wearing a jersey and pads at age 32 and he's already 29. Having 2 seasons taken away from him, having a $100 million dollar contract torn up, eventually going bankrupt, and spending 2 years in jail seems to be a tough price to pay. To go from having everything, to having everything taken away from you would hurt. It would drive some men to throw in the towel, but Michael Vick still wants to play pro football. He still has the attitude of a competitor. Why not give him a shot?

I'm not saying Michael Vick is a good person, but the horrendous crimes he committed have no relevance to football. If a stock broker gets busted for insider trading, they are banned for life from trading stocks. If an NFL player gets busted for dog fighting, they should never be able to own a dog again. That reasoning makes sense. To say an NFL player gets busted for dog fighting so they can never play football again does not make sense.

Two years ago, before the dog-fighting drama, if you told any team owner in the NFL that they could have Mike Vick in two years for league minimum salary, they would say "Fool, what are you smoking?" Michael Vick was under a $100 million dollar contract!! He was the definition of a franchise player. His name was synonimous with the Atlanta Falcons. Now, two years later, after a horrific public trial and court case, he is available to any team for the league minimum salary.

In my opinion, the NFL is a league that is better off with Michael Vick than without him. I'm not petitioning that he come in to Atlanta and become their starting QB because there is no way Vick would be able to come in and compete for a starting QB spot for any team in the NFL right now. His ability as a runner, his ability with the football in his hands was unquestioned 2 years ago. Is there anything left? Can he still compete and contribute as a role-player? I would think most sports fans, players, and coaches would agree with me, but they also realize what sort of frenzy will erupt with the signing of Vick. They also realize what sort of backlash a media frenzy of that nature could have on a team. Because of this fact, I would rule out any Super Bowl contenders (Pittsburgh, New England, San Diego, etc.) from signing him. If a team does want to take a chance on Vick, I would think it would be to play only in certain packages. He poses problems for opposing teams by just appearing on their roster as another explosive threat to be prepared for.

Ideally for Vick, he would be a similar player to Reggie Bush, but with a greater threat to throw the ball downfield. He could be lined up as a receiver, tailback, or wildcat QB with a real threat of passing. Or he may have nothing left. He may have lost a step and is now worthless on the field. Maybe a team signs him and cuts him 2 days later, never to be heard from again. Then again, maybe he can still make some plays with his feet. I am a dog lover but I still want to see the best competition and best players compete in the toughest sport in the world. Putting Vick in the UFL if he can still compete in the NFL is not the answer. Let him play.

To sum it all up, I think teams are ready to sign Michael Vick but the real question is, are any teams prepared and willing to take on the media circus and PETA protesters that come along with Michael Vick?

Only time will tell.

The Youth is Starting to Change

2009-06-21T17:13:00.000-07:00

Wouldn't it be sweet if we could pass a law that made it mandatory to teach children in Elementary School that Star Wars was based on a true story. Interstellar wars between super and sub-human races throughout the galaxy resulting in mass chaos and the aryanization of Earth. Awesome idea? I think so. Here is why:

First, I know what you're thinking, "what about when my kids want to go to the moon?" We'll just tell them that Obama banned travel across space and light sabers in 2009. This way he can be responsible for putting the fictional, intergalactic bus-drivers out of work too. I mean, I would have much rather learned some made up facts about a race called the "wookies" that live on planet Rygel 7 and dig up giant gummi worms for food than the dumb guy who invented the light bulb. There are gajillions of light bulbs in the world, how many wookies are there? None. Why? Because they became extinct after the wars.......The Star Wars. (That's what we'll tell them, at least) If you tell kids that wookies are on the extinct animal list, they wont go looking for them. That could get dangerous, wookies eat kids all the time. My half-brother Bobby Sanchez Apelian got eaten by a wookie just last year. He went to this Phish concert and never came back. We just assume a wookie ate him........fucking hippies cant get enough gummi worms.

Also, this could be the long-awaited solution to racism. If we have imaginary Wookies, Klingons, and Ewok's to hate, we wouldnt have to hate blacks, or whites, or asians, or mexicans (well maybe still mexicans). We can all claim to be 1 superior race, the chosen race, or as I like to call our futuristic race "the whiteys." It's possible because we would still have imaginary people to hate and that means no feelings get hurt!! I know, this shit just got deep....

Back to the point, let these kids have a friggin imagination. I want hovercars god damnit, I want a light saber (which got banned after the Wars, by the way). Fuck an Escalade with some phatty rims, I want to ride that flying white dog thing from Neverending Story to school. Can I dream? Can I live? Without imagination, I wouldnt be able to write this. Why? No internet. People used to poop in pots and throw it in the streets. That's cool, right? Yea....No. Someone imagined that there could be pipes to take the poop the the sewer, hence the toilet and plumbing. That also created jobs, that's where the exposed butt plumber came from, duh.

Imagination is a powerful thing. In the words of Steven Tyler, "Dream on....motherfuckers."

Totally Sorry

2009-06-13T12:43:00.001-07:00

Been totally busy. Totally got more stuff coming. Totally funny. Totally sweet. Totally stuff.

Thanks....totally.

How Phillip's Head Became Immortal

2009-05-13T11:48:00.000-07:00

So, I doubt I'm the only person who ever thought, "why do they call it a phillip's head screwdriver? is Phillip some guy with a weird shaped head or something." ("they" is everyone in the world....except babies. Babies don't call anything by name....idiots.) My next immediate thought was, "Wow Dan, are you serious? you don't really think that, do you? I mean, a guy with a weird shaped head? That's so stupid."

I realized that I don't and that if I did, I would most likely be half-retarded and probably live somewhere in Georgia.

But I still didn't know why they call it a Phillip's head screwdriver ("they." Still everyone but babies). So I did some research. Turns out, what really happened was that in 1698 some idiot named Phillip wanted to hang his favorite watercolor painting of Tupac Shakur and Dr. Dre, his favorite rappers of the era, in his den but he didn't have a screwdriver (back then, there was only one type of screwdriver, that is why I am not more specific in screwdriver style). The next day, like any member of a generous community, Phillip went next door and asked his neighbor to borrow his screwdriver and his neighbor accidentally gave him the prototype of a new "2 Way Flathead Screwdriver" that he was working on. So Phillip used the screwdriver on a 2 way flathead screw and it worked wonders. With basically no effort or wrist fatigue involved, Phillip was finally looking above his flat-screen, plasma TV set at his 2 favorite rappers. The very next day Phillip went down to the patent office and patented it as a screwdriver that provides better leverage and turnability than your standard flathead screwdriver. It could also be used as a multi-purpose weapon used to beat/stab your wife or spawn, but Phillip decided to leave that part out of the patent. He took all of the credit and named the screwdriver after himself.

Phillip never returned the original prototype. Phillip was an asshole.

Question (too lazy to make up another story): Why in the Hell Are There 2 Different Types Of Screw Heads?

You're not as cool as you think you are, Alexander Graham Bell.

2009-05-11T13:08:00.001-07:00

Yea, I said it....Alex. You're not as cool as you think you are. Is it ok if I call you Alex? No, you know what, I don't even care.

I want to start by getting the mushy stuff out of the way:

Dear Alexander Graham Bell,

Thanks for inventing the telephone, sometimes I call my mother with it....but that is all I will thank you for.

(Editor's note: After checking wikipedia, turns out this dude invented a bunch of other sweet stuff including air conditioning. I would add a few more thanks' but I already mailed the letter. This was just a scanned copy.)

Sincerely

Dan Apelian

Now that that's out of the way, let the public smearing begin.

Alexander, you are the sole reason for the creation of the reality show featuring host Justin Timberlake, aired on Fox at 9pm on Wednesday nights (thanks again, wikipedia.), called "The Phone."

As a matter of fact, you were behind some of the worst theatrics ever produced. I'll start with the movie "Phone Booth." A movie that takes place in a phone booth? Dude, come on? You can't be serious?

"Cellular." Cellular is a movie about a dude who gets a call saying the person has been kidnapped and he has to solve the mystery talking to people on his phone. This is unlike other mystery movies where the criminal uses mime's to act out the crimes to police. This is unlike other mystery films that the criminal captures a hostage 8 year old at the San Diego zoo's kangaroo exhibit to demand a glow-in-the-dark bible that transforms into a panther. Every action/mystery movie criminal uses cell phones to talk to people. Are you kidding me movie producer? Of course they use a phone. It's not exactly like they can walk to the police station, report a kidnapping, throw human fecal matter at the receptionist, break 10 pearl necklaces to give yourself a better chance, and then run away from the cops. You use a fucking phone. The phone that Alex Bell so kindly invented (sarcastic undertone included).

And I don't even want to get started on titles like "One Missed Call", "I Know/Still Know/Think I Still Know What You Did Last Summer!?", "The Ring 1&2", etc. So, I won't. You already got the point.....unless you're stupid and think I'm being serious. Then you're just dumb.

Byeeee

-Danny Boy Jr.

(All facts provided by Wikipedia.com)

Barbershop IV

2009-04-27T13:03:00.000-07:00

Haircut lady says "what can I do ya for, skinny?"

I says, "lady, I'll take a haircut...and don't give me that straight line across my forehead. I don't want to look like a lego-man for the next three weeks. Okay?"

She responds with, "Sure kid, take a seat (spins chair, tosses me a lollipop)"

A few minutes in, I'm already thinking, "Ok, can we just put it all back and start over?" But you can't, it's not possible, nor reasonable. So you have to shut up and say "Yep, just like that. Yep, exactly like a lego-man. Perfect." Because of you, I now have to walk around looking like an asshole lego-man for 3 weeks. Thanks.

In the end, it'll grow back. And that's the beauty of being a barber (hair stylist?), you get to cut hair, and if you do a shitty job, who cares? Just the idiot with the bad haircut.

At least I have a nice hat collection, whore.

A Letter to Captain Kirk

2009-04-19T16:51:00.000-07:00

Dear Captain Kirk,

I always had a few questions for you that I was never able to ask. Back in 1998, I met you at a Star Wars convention in Dayton, OH, but I couldn't muster up the courage to ask you in person. Hehe, pretty silly, huh? I mean, you're a complete legend. You're the total package; pssh, try not to be intimidated! I must say, I felt a little bit like you felt when you found out that Princess Leia was really your sister and it got a little awkward between the two of you because 4 days earlier you guys had both gotten really drunk on planet Naboo and you two deep space 69'd til' the sun came up. Talk about uncomfortable....

So, I always wondered, did you ever get laid based purely on the fact that you were the captain of the millenium falcon?

Could Chesley Sullenberger do your job?

Even though Spock was merely a Padawan, could he still hook up with human females? or was he more of a sexual outcast forced to make love to Wookie women (yuck!)?

I always pictured Chewbacca as a chronic masturbater? Did you ever walk in on him rubbing one out? Maybe in the bathroom with a centerfold of a teen wolf?

This is more of an opinion thing, but, was it wrong for me to have broken up with my girlfriend because she referred to Dr. Bones as Mr. Bones? The Doc didn't go to 4 extra years of school to be called Mister. No respect, ya know?

Welp, I've gotta go, my friends and I like to play trivia at the local sports bar on Sunday nights, our team is called the "Trek Stars." I don't want to be late.

To infinity and beyond!!!

It's a Small World....Full of Bastards.

2009-04-16T09:37:00.001-07:00

So, I've been following the whole Sandra Cantu murder that happened in Tracy, California a few weeks ago pretty closely. I'll give you a brief rundown of the events to catch anyone up who doesn't know what happened (does anyone even read this?):

-Sandra Cantu is an 8 year old girl who lived in a trailer park in Tracy, CA who was missing for several weeks
-Eventually they found her body in a suitcase at the bottom of an irrigation pond
-The last day she was seen, they caught her on a surveillance tape skipping happily to a friends house like you can imagine a happy, healthy, 8 year old girl would
-The friend she was going to see was a 5 year old playmate who lived in the same trailer park
-Finally, they get some clues and leads that the mother of the 5 year old girl, Melissa Huckaby, is the murderer
-Melissa Huckaby is charged with rape with a foreign object and murder of 8 year old Sandra Cantu

Now, I'm going to guess Tracy, CA is a pretty fucked up place. This statement isn't just me being the asshole that I am, it's based on facts! Sure, I don't like poor people, but not only was an 8 year old girl raped and murdered, but one of her neighbors within the trailer park admitted to kissing Sandra on the lips 2 years earlier, when she was 6! He is a grown man, he kissed a 6 year old girl on the mouth. Obviously, this douchebagel is a suspect, but it turns out it wasn't even him.

The next suspect, Melissa Huckaby; the mother of the girl Sandra was going to play with the day she disappeared. This 28 year old; grown woman; mother of a 5 year old, is a Sunday school teacher!! She is currently being charged with rape and murder of an 8 year old girl. Are you f'n kidding me? She is a mother and a Sunday school teacher! I feel like I'm watching a farfetched crime drama on TBS. What the hell went on in her mind to make her want to, not only rape but, take the life of an 8 year old friend of her daughter? The girl never had a chance, she wasn't even old enough to form an identity, she didn't even have a chance. Now, what could a normal 8 year old girl have done to deserve that? If I was Sandra's parents, I would make it a mission to see this woman get the chair. Not only do they have the unfortunate luck to live in some shitty trailer park, but their 8 year old daughter was taken from them and killed.

It only gets more ridiculous. Today, there was an article online about another woman; 28 year old, Sunday school teacher, 2 daughters aged 5 and 8. Guess what her name is? Melissa Huckaby. Guess where she lives? 12 miles from Tracy, CA. What are the odds of that? Seriously, math whizzes, what are the odds of that? There are what....a couple hundred people on Earth? Same name, same profession (is sunday school teacher a profession?), daughters the same age as the two kids involved, same age. Crazy. She is now getting death threats because of the obvious confusion, but fuck her. My message to the non-murderer Melissa Huckaby: "change your name and get a real job you idiot." My message to the murderer Melissa Huckaby: "I hope you fucking die in prison, you fucked up, cuntbag bitch. You suck."

I love the news, but it kind of sucks that bad things need to happen to keep me interested. It's weird, I couldn't care less about "Man slides under moving 18 wheeler to catch baby falling from empire state building because it's parachute got tangled by flock of seagulls." (Okay, I lied, that story sounds awesome, but you know what I mean). I would totally give up reading the news if shit like the Sandra Cantu murder didn't happen. I can be entertained by lots of other things, i.e. video games.......yea, video games is it.

It just pisses me off that someone on this planet could destroy and then take the life of a young person who never had a chance. Think about all the people you walk past each day, all the people you pass on the road, all of your friends and family. Could you honestly say you picture anyone you know being a child rapist/murderer? I know I couldnt (adam), but they exist. I like to think people are generally good and that's the sad part, that's what everyone always says, "it's not like her." "she couldnt have done that." Well, if it turns out that she did it, she needs to pay....with her life (you have to read that last part very dramatically). Same goes for any and every other child-killing fuck-up out there. Find something positive in your lives, you bastards.

I should be a reporter......bitch.....

Interview with Will Ferrell

2009-04-07T17:53:00.000-07:00

DA: Hey Will, thanks for joining me for my first interview. I'm really excited, I hope I dont climax until the very end.

WF: Oh, thanks for having me. You guys do great things with merely a camera and eachother's (obviously) super human minds.

DA: Gloop glorb (thank you). So Will, let's get right down to it. Why are you such a douchebag?

WF: Excuse me?

DA: Ever since Old School, you've played some of the shittiest comedy roles I've ever seen : Ron Burgundy - Anchorman (wasn't all bad, people quoting this made it worse), retarded rollerblader or something - Blades of Glory, retarded race car driver - Talladega Nights, a retarded basketball coach - Semi-Pro, and one of the retarded step brothers - Step Brothers. They are basically all the same character with different jobs. Did you notice that when you accepted the money for these roles?

WF: Hey, I never noticed that, but it's kind of true if you think about it. You are smart! Do you think I'm retarded?

DA: You are....you must be....is it still a question? it's still a question?

DA: Moving on. 2 Part question: What made you decide John C Reilly should be in comedy and did he enjoy the flavour of your penis?

WF: Hey man! before Talladega Nights he played Buck Bretherton in "Days of Thunder," hell! he was Tucker Van Dyke in "What's Eating Gilbert Grape?." Case in point.

DA: Yea...no, not much for a convincing case. Did you ever see that movie with the cat and dog and they float down the river in a box?

WF: Umm...yea, but what does that have to do with my interview?

DA: Ohh, I'm done. I figured you'd have realized that I pretty much hate you by know and would have jumped off a cliff onto a pile of rusty hacksaws and famous cartoon villains!

WF: Ok, welp, I should probably go get braces anyways. See ya.

National Pillow Fight Day!

2009-04-04T14:09:00.001-07:00

Adam and I just returned from a great day of pillow fighting in downtown Raleigh, NC. There was a great showing of some really cool people. It made me feel a little better about this world. There were no douche's there or assholes. Just people to have a good time and pillow fight.....so I beat the crap out of them with a pillow and danced in victory. We got some footage and will be uploading it soon. Hope everyone made it out to their city's pillow fight and had as good a time as we had. I need some water, I gotta get drunk tonight.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fb3-iQ5xC_0

Alternative Fuels for PEOPLE

2009-04-01T12:54:00.000-07:00

What if you never had to sleep? You could do so many things. And don't get me started on eating....talk about a waste of time....

That's why I invented.....

drumroll.....

GASOLINE FOR HUMANS!!!! It's a fuel that nourishes and energizes 24/7. Unfortunately, you still have to poop. (did I say unfortunately?)

What to call it? Humaline? Humangas? Manjuice? I think I'll stick with Humaline [hu-ma-leen].

Humaline: No more food, no more sleep....unless you want to. But you better believe I'm gonna fucking draw all over you while you sleep.

Some drawbacks to no sleep:

-asshole bosses would make you work a lot
-your kids would have soccer practice every day (but they could probably drive themselves at age 8)
-8 year old drivers

Ok, it's not a real product but you were totally pumped to drink some.

P.S. Pillow fight this weekend in downtown Raleigh (and most other big US cities). For all of you who live in dumpy, redneck towns; dont worry Adam is gonna film it and put it online. Unless my pillow slaps the camera out of his girly hands. Yes, he would cry.

-Dbles

Observatienn Diagram

2009-03-30T17:41:00.000-07:00

The Love Language Experience

2009-03-29T17:50:00.000-07:00

Yo son,

Last night, Scott, Adam, and myself went to see our old buddy, Tom's, band play in Chapel Hill, NC and they were pretty sweet. The band's name is "The Love Language" and they put on a supremely entertaining show. Go download "Lalita" or "Manteo", you'll be tappin' your foot like Adam Barefoot taps asses, HARD. They are touring the U.S. right now, if you like music and they come to your town, you should go see them and chant for Tommy because he bangs those drums like Michael J Fox trapped in a gong factory after he's had 1 too many red bull vodkas.

Another bonus was that they had a few opening bands that were also pretty diabetic! (in a good way, I think that's Type II) The band's names were "Oh Captain My Captain" and "Max Indian." It worked out to be a great night because usually with lesser known bands you get one opener in there that isnt so good but you can't leave because the band would totally notice and maybe even call you out over the mic....how embarassing. I never felt that way, hooray! But, when I looked around at everyone in the audience, why did I see so many darn "unique individuals" with the stupid Kanye West sunglasses on and wearing backpacks to a night out of music and drinking fun? I felt like a guy wearing a cape and top hat could show up at any time and not to defend us concert-goers from criminal action. Now, I don't wanna get started on what I hate about people so I'll just give them a pass...maybe the lighting was refracted off of the snare drum into their retinas and maybe they needed a change of clothes for when their dancing in place for so long stretches our their black, straight leg jeans. I'm guessing everybody has heard the saying, "the tighter your pants, the cooler you dance." Well, it was in full effect last night. The only drawback was that the guys were the ones with the tight pants.

To finish off the night, we ate Jimmy John's and made prank phone calls. If you would like a prank phone call from us (and they are fucking good), leave your phone number in the comments section and we can make it happen. We may have even filmed a few of them, if this is the case, they should be on youtube soon.

and here is a live video of The Love Language playing Manteo

Peace, love, chicken grease,

Danny

Realte' Stallworth

2009-03-22T14:43:00.000-07:00

I saw a picture of Donte' Stallworth, Wide Receiver for the Cleveland Browns, on the news and laughed because of how much he looks like Real from "I Love NY." Here is a picture:

Sorry if you dont know who one or both of these dudes are, I have a wide variety of pop culture tastes...

BONUS ROUND!!!

This is why most music got ruined:

1. rapping is easy. "i have 2 hands, i can pull down my pants, if there were 2 of me there'd be dans, i shoot the rock like rashad mccants"
2. avril lavigne's parents had sex
3 doors down/nickelback are the same band
4. dave matthews is fat and stupid and a rapist/racist
5. jamie foxx can be an r&b musician, jamie foxx? seriously?
6. hippies

Babes and Bibles...

2009-03-22T13:19:00.000-07:00

Herro,

I'm not much of a religious person but the Bible is just such a crazy book. The stories, people, places, and things are all written so perfectly that none of it has been proven to be truth or fiction in thousands of years. I hope someone writes a book like that about me; did you know I can dunk a basketball?

If I had to classify myself, I guess I'd say I'm a hopeful Agnostic but classifications aside I definitely think you shouldn't be a selfish asshole in life. If a book can help some people become not as big of A-holes and maybe even develop a conscience, I'm all for it. And I know what some of you are thinking "Hey Dan, aren't you an asshole?" The answer is no, I'm a little bit of a jerk, but it's mainly just the fact that I'm funny and will do most things to make myself laugh, that's different from being a human turdcutter. But anyways, the fact that millions of dollars go towards building churches and hundreds of thousands of lives have been dedicated to religion made me think of some stuff or something...

Scenario to ponder : Let's say you are a 90 year old priest and had dedicated over 3/4ths of your life to religion and teaching the works of God. You passed up nights of passion with tons of mega hottie babeorama's, tons of em (I'm talking like tons because there are so many, not because they weigh a lot). And then on your 90th birthday some scientific evidence comes to light and proves that God/Jesus/The Bible is all made up, a farce. Would you be pissed off and feel you wasted your time or would you be content that you led a good life and taught unselfish ideals?

Oh yea, and i like to look at girls when they're naked....come on, I can't be serious for too long.

-Dbones

The Real World

2009-02-27T07:03:00.001-08:00

What's up peepz,

Sorry to start out so bitter but I've noticed something super-duper important. The real world kills your dreams and forces even the most immature graduate to "grow up." The point is that jobs are no fun but we all need to get paid. Being in a work setting with co-workers requires you to talk about bullshit, such as: politics, babies, television shows("OMG Did you see Grey's last night!" - random faggot), the news, and other crap I really dont care about. The sad part is that after listening to people talk about this absolute shit for so long, you start to care, even when you know you shouldn't. This is, of course, if you are lucky enough to have english speaking co-workers in this rough economic time (there it is, economics talk, boooring). Don't get me wrong, I'm very happy I even have a job, I'm just pulling a Peter Pan. Who the hell wants to grow up? Not Generation Y, thats for sure.

In high school and all 5 years of college, I was concerned with the important stuff: getting drunk, laughing, girls, getting to 2nd base (yes, even in college), finding the best new tunes, writing comedy and filming our shorts, making fun of people with my friends, and nicknaming everyone at my school something I wouldnt call them to their face because I'd most likely get the shit beat out of my 130 lb frame. I've never been big, but I've always been quick upstairs. You learn to deal.

Anyways, I've been working at a "real" job for a little more than a year and I can feel the funny and happy draining out of my soul. 40 years of this!!! tell me you're kidding!!! Now, I'm not depressed, I'm just growing up. The depression/adjustment stage ended about 5 months ago. Throughout my life, I've found nothing I love more than a good hard LAUGH (you totally thought i was gonna say weiner). The ones that make your stomach hurt and a tear trickle down your face, you know the one I'm talking about. I don't ever want to lose that feeling or my sense of humor and I'm a little scared I might.

One shining light that gives me hope for success and happiness is Adam Barefoot. Besides a week-long temp job here and there, the man has been unemployed since college, almost a year, and he is still excited for the future and going to LA or NYC to "make it." Every single time I hang out with Adam, he forces me to grow down (?) and puts a little enjoyable immaturity in my life if that makes any sense. So, thanks Adam. Don't ever grow up, because as soon as you do, you're bringing us with you and I do not want to see that happen. Our funniest times are ahead of us.

Inspiration time: I'm writing this to tell everyone (6 readers) to enjoy your life. Plan for the future financially, but dont worry about what the world will be like when you are 80. We could all get nuked tomorrow and have 3 legged kids with fins on their backs running around, or something bad could happen...maybe cancer wipes us completely out, maybe lions take over and eat all our babies like that movie "Children of Men", and please dont get me started on women drivers. Do what makes you happy whenever you can, you'll regret it if you don't. I'm going to try to hang on to my sense of humor and my dreams as long as I can because they make me happy. What would really make ME happy is to get a job that I love so I can enjoy the next 40+ years. I've always wanted to write for sitcoms or sketches for SNL and I am going to bust my ass to get there. If anyone wants to give me a little help or even a little shove on the way, I'm all for it. Thanks for listening to my rant.

Peace in the middle east,

Danimal

Jammyriffic Things

2009-02-25T16:10:00.000-08:00

These are a few lists of totally super awesome things:

5 Best modes of transportation:
1. Body Surfing
2. Escalator
3. Scootering
4. Teleportation/Portals
5. Hang gliding

3 things made to bury:
1. Time Capsule
2. Land Mines
3. Potatoes

Unpopular Super Powers that I could deal with:
1. Skin that seeps poison (like poison dart frogs)
2. Microwave Vision (to cook hot pockets, not babies)
3. No Need for Sleepability (Sleeping is for pussies, but I'd still nap here and there)
4. Perfect understanding of angles (to hang paintings with ease and probably impress girls)
5. Ability to speak to/understand Dogs (do you need an explanation?)

6 Names I would never name my kids:
1. Herman
2. Terrance
3. Kevin
4. Zachary
5. Stella
6. Caroline

Other excellence:
1. Transforming Sponges (Just add water)
2. Kids that wear multiple collared shirts
3. Getting drunk and then giving homeless people dollars and then forcing them to buy alcohol with it because everyone knows they're gonna. You're not buying a happy meal with that, you probably dont even have a kid.
4. Saying wazzzaaaaaa! even though that commercial was like 9 years ago.
5. LenDale White.

West side,

Danimal

Yo

2008-09-22T15:10:00.000-07:00

Whats up dawgs,

As I sit here thinking about where teeth come from (give it a thought, it will blow your mind), I would like to bring everyone up to date on where our, once promising, lives are headed.

Adam is currently unemployed and living in his parents basement. Somehow, he still finds time to get blackout drunk every Monday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, and sometimes Tuesday's. On Sunday's, Adam is down at the homeless shelter.....laughing.....really hard. If anyone in the Raleigh, NC area needs a part-time laborer/full-time camelsniffer, look no further, Adam is your man.

Scotty 2 Hotty is currently working as a weatherman for a local network. They hired him based purely on his looks. As most of you can tell, he doesnt have too much going on upstairs, but damn is he sexy, and pretty solid in bed (judging from the screams that kept me up last night). I knew I should have called top bunk. Some of the girls he brings home barely fit through the door, imagine trying to sleep with that weight suspended 3 feet above your head. And the smell, I'll leave that up to your imagination.

Finally, what you all have been waiting to hear about, Daniel J Roper Maniel (thats me). At night, I am working as the birthday party magician at Pooter's Pizza Pantry. It's a long story, but during the day I actually work at a staffing agency in Raleigh and I found myself the job. Some might call that selfish, but if you saw the way I make a 15 inch cucumber disappear (grow up, its magical), you would change your tune. I am in a quandary of what city I should move to and what I should do with my life, so any ideas are much appreciated, unless they are stupid ideas, then keep them to yourself. I mean, why would you waste my time? seriously?

Sorry to our fans about the lack of videos, we all just graduated from college and considering that we act like 12 year olds, we're a little lost. But, on the flip side, we are working together on our material and will be putting some good stuff out there ASAP. We're comin for you Derrick Comedy, Smosh, and even you What the buck? Watch out Buck, your gay guy impression is pretty good, but Scott has been practicing.

Oh yea, we got banned from youtube for making fun of gay people, or something gay like that, and had to make a new account. Here is the new link. Watch, laugh, watch more, subscribe, http://www.youtube.com/thecoveshorts

Thanks, we love you all. More to come soon.

Vote DeMint,

The Cove guys.