Who do you want to be like when you grow up?

Yesterday, in my 4th grade class, I had to write a paper about who I want to be like when I grow up.

Obviously, I chose Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson. I mean, he never said what he was cooking, but I think it was a pretty damn good career...or some kind of delicious beat-down casserole.

Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson was such a good professional wrestler, he decided to leave the sports arena and take a shot at the world of acting and has since conquered that world. To progress from super-athlete to mega-actor, it doesn't get any better than that.

This guy was so great as "the Scorpion King" in "The Mummy" that he got his own Hollywood movie spin-off....unheard of! If Jesus could cast the movie "Tooth-Fairy", he would have picked "The Rock" to play the tooth-fairy...maybe Jesus did cast "Tooth-Fairy"? Did he? And "The Rock" isn't even an actor! He's a professional wrestler! How did he find out he could act so well when he was busy kicking ass?!?! He's a one in a million type of talent. A diamond in the rough. Well, a rock in the rough (get it? pun intended!).

Even with all of those accomplishments, Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson can't hide the fact that he's a total douche. Ooooooh, someone just laid the smack-down! Did you smell what I cooked there, "Rock"? You suck, douche.

And I had to check wikipedia to make sure you weren't in "Chronicles of Riddick" and "Fast and the Furious" cause you look a lot like that douche, Vin Diesel, too.

Tiger Woods to Make Statement Tomorrow (2/19/10)

Tomorrow, Tiger Woods will be issuing a statement regarding his recently-discovered extramarital activities along with when we can expect his return to the PGA tour. Popular belief is that Tiger will not be answering any questions. Basically, le Tigre is going to try to clear up some of the uncertainty of his future and attempt to protect his image while avoiding the mess he has created. If I could ask Tiger some questions, I think I would start with some of these:

- You were hooking up with some stupid fly honey's. So, Tiger, I ask you...was it awesome?

- Mr. Woods, did you ever play the back 9?

- Which of your many, many mistresses had the best pair of floppers?

- Are you now afraid of your wife, Elin, going all ghetto on your ass again?

- Tiger, did you really pork the middle-aged waitress from Perkins or is that bullshit?

(If yes, Tiger, what the hell were you doing frequenting a Perkins? Aren't you some kind of super billionaire?)

- Keep it real with me now. Would you do it again?

Battle of the Baldwins

To rank the Baldwin brothers would go a little like this (reasons are included):

1. Alec - He's got the best career by far, and he was the first to join the biz. Revitalized by "30 Rock" (along with Tracy Morgan) and popularizing Tina Fey and Jack McBrier throughout the past few years, he's become an icon of TV and made it back to the big screen. Easily the most handsome Baldwin.

Pros: "30 Rock", "The Departed", "Outside Providence", "Royal Tenenbaums", and "Along Came Polly"

Cons: Appearances on "Will & Grace"

2. Stephen - "Bio-Dome" and "The Usual Suspects". That's enough to solidify second.

Cons: Reality TV. "The Celebrity Apprentice","Celebrity Big Brother", etc.

Wild Card: "Ty Murray's Celebrity Bull-Riding Challenge"

3. Daniel - The cocaine addicted Baldwin brother. Yep, it's Daniel who plays with the nose-candy, not Billy. Neither of them are very worthy, but Daniel is better known....purely because of his cocaine addiction.

Pros: He was in a movie called "Sidekick" which makes me think of the Chuck Norris thrillride "Sidekicks". Always good to be associated with that movie.

Cons: That whole cocaine thing...

4. Billy - The silent Baldwin and by far the ugliest. He was considered for the role of Batman in "Batman Forever" but was eventually beat out by......Val Kilmer? (If he had landed that role, he would have landed above Daniel on this list, poor guy).

Pros: "The Squid and The Whale", "Gossip Girl", "Dirty Sexy Money", "Fair Game" with Cindy Crawford.

Cons: Constantly confused with cocaine-addicted brother "Daniel." Was denied the role of Batman.

Hook

So, I'm a big fan of the movie "Hook" and I'm watching it today after not seeing the film for a couple years. Here are some thoughts I have on the movie:

- The Lost Boys are homicidal orphans. The Lost Boys are little kids (ages 7-13) whose lives resemble the movie "Camp Nowhere" except there is one difference. Instead of partying and attempting to put their penises in strange places like teens with no parents around, their primary goal in life is to kill adults. If they ever lose their marbles and have to go back to the real world, they will never be able to adjust to a normal society. We would have to put these kids to sleep like rabid dogs.

- Peter flies into the bedroom of a teenage girl and starts to cry on her bedroom floor she asks "You boy, why are you crying?" not "What the hell are you doing in my bedroom?" The conclusion we can draw from this is that Wendy is a total slut.

- Smee's man-crush on Captain Hook aside, the pirates seem a little too happy for a group of middle-aged men without a woman in sight. I mean, I like guns and grog as much as the next guy, but something seems a little......queer...about these particular pirates, if you ask me.

-Yep, Jack Panning went from Captain Hook's protege to William Lichter, the geek from "Can't Hardly Wait"

- Then my mind kind of trailed off and I started to imagine what the small version of Tink would look like naked....it's not bad.

Top Ten Rock/Alt Albums of the Decade

Here is a list of my top ten rock or alternative rock albums of the 2000's. I am an un-biased music fan.

10. N*E*R*D - In Search Of...

9. Spoon - Ga Ga Ga Ga Ga

8. The Libertines - The Libertines

7. The Killers - Day & Age

6. Guster - Keep It Together

5. The Love Language - The Love Language

4. MGMT - Oracular Spectacular

3. The Libertines - Up The Bracket

2. The Strokes - Is This It?

1. The Mars Volta - De-Loused In The Comatorium

Notable Mentions:

- Yeah Yeah Yeah's - It's Blitz

- Arctic Monkeys - Whatever People Say I Am, That's What I'm Not

- The Strokes - Room On Fire

- Gorillaz - Demon Days

- The Mars Volta - The Bedlam In Goliath

- The Killers - Sam's Town

- Metric - Fantasies

- Ted Leo & Pharmacists - Shake The Sheets

- 30 Seconds To Mars - A Beautiful Lie

An Excerpt From my Sister's Diary

So, how did I get my hands on this here diary? Well, it was Saturday, I was going through my sisters drawers and found it so I started reading and laughing (at her, not with her). Then she burst into her room and started yelling and biting me like a huge bitch. I gave in and she yanked the diary out of my hands. However, I was able to rip a page out and salvage the writing. Here is what it said:

"...and then when I stood up, he had blood all over his pant leg. And to make matters worse my whole 4th period (no pun intended) Spanish class started laughing at me and thought it was the funniest thing ever. It was horrible, it was the worst day of my life.

-Heather

November 15, 2009

Dear Diary,

Guess who has a new nickname at school? Yep, all the senior boys are calling me "period girl" and all of my friends are avoiding me like the plague. The only positive thing about today is that it couldn't be any worse than yesterday.

Since I was alone all day, it gave me time to think. I had a revelation. I think I'm ready to lose my virginity! And I thought I knew who the perfect guy was, Donny Johnson. He is sooooo cute and funny and, like, just perfect. So I went to tell him the news and see if he was interested in me at all and he said "I'd love to bang you, I just don't wanna be your first." So I said why not? He told me he banged Megan Simmons (Megan Simmons is a stupid slut who wears wayyyy too much make-up!!! I can't believe Donny slept with her) and that he was her first. So apparently that whore didn't leave him alone for a year. Calls every day, calls every night, text messages, showing up at his front door, making friends with his mom behind his back, the whole shabang. Now, he says that his mom has enough friends and that he doesn't want to go through that again. I said I would be fine with just porking and I wouldn't go crazy but he still won't believe me. What can I do to convince him? Should I just bang Robert Frazier and get it over with? I heard Robert Frazier has a huge"

And that's where it cuts off. Hmm...I never knew that about Robert. Good for him. I guess my sister is a whore. I wonder if she has this Megan Simmons' phone number?

If I were Robert Pattinson...

If I were Robert Pattinson, I'd hire a guy to check ID's at my bedroom door, 18 and up only!

If I were Robert Pattinson, I'd make chicks call me Edward when we banged.

If I were Robert Pattinson, I'd wear vampire teeth everywhere I went and when people asked if I was Robert Pattinson, I'd say, "no, I'm just a big fan."

If I were Robert Pattinson, I'd keep bags of hawaiian punch in my refrigerator so if I brought back any thirsty, drunk sluts from the club they would think I was really a vampire.

If I were Robert Pattinson, I would dress up as a pirate for Halloween and when people get pissed off that I'm not a vampire, I'd say, "I'm a vampire the other 364 days of the year, can I be a pirate for 1 day? Come on!"

To all the 16 year old men out there: If I were Robert Pattinson, I'd bang your girlfriend....

Adam wanted to contribute one, so I let him: "If I were Robert Pattinson, I'd be in jail for statutory rape." - Adam Barefoot

Short Films for the bored

With the production of our new web series going slow, we have been writing and planning to do a short film or 2 in the near future. Looking for inspiration I have been searching youtube and other websites to find all types of short films. If anyone out there is as bored as me (probably not), here are the 7 best shorts I came across that may keep you entertained at work.

7. Sun Sessions

The coming of age tale about a unique high school elvis fanatic who gets dumped by his first true love. Instead of roses and chocolates, Henry and his bandmates try to win back the girl through more creative methods, but her new annoying "jock" type boyfriend is ready to fight for her.

6. Samsara

The sun is dying, the sky is falling, the world is ending. But in less than eight and a half minutes, hope is coming.

Samsara: Episode 2 - "Jeff" from Roshan Murthy on Vimeo.

5. Bullet In The Brain

Based on the short story by Tobias Wolff. Amazing acting, writing and directing. A must see for a writer or director.

PART 2 here: watch

4. School Of Life

A school teacher gives her students the answers to all of life's questions.

3. Autonomy

A man contemplates the numbing monotony of daily working life, and his escape from it. All of you recent college grads realizing how much working life sucks will appreciate this one.

2. The Legend Of David

FCRabbath (Freddy Rabbath). Remember this director, he will be the next Steven Spielburg.

This short film is long but amazing for a high school student on a zero dollar budget. Beautifully made with a great suspenseful story.

1. Hotel Chevalier

A beautiful love story... Or maybe not. This was the short film that played before the Darjeeling Limited, written and directed by Wes Anderson. Amazing directing/cinematography, wonderful acting and beautiful dialogue. If you like this you should watch the whole movie, The Darjeeling Limited.

A Take on Michael Vick

This is a take on Michael Vick from the viewpoint of a dog lover and sports fan.

Michael Vick is a man that has committed heinous crimes against animals. He was also once classified as the most electrifying man in professional sports. There are no amount of apologies that will satisfy PETA supporters and extremists but Michael Vick has fully served a 2-year jail sentence for his crimes and is ready to move on with his life. As a dog owner, I wouldn't want him anywhere near my dog, but as a sports fan, I am not alone when I say that I am curious as to whether he can still play at a professional level. A court appointed arbitrator sentenced Vick to a 2-year jail sentence to pay his debt to society. He has completed that sentence and he's paid his debt to society. In my opinion, he should now be able to continue with his career.

Professional football is not a sport for everyone. Professional football takes a physical toll on the players who play the game ensuring that even the longest of NFL careers would end around the age of 40. A player who plays the game like Michael Vick would be lucky to be wearing a jersey and pads at age 32 and he's already 29. Having 2 seasons taken away from him, having a $100 million dollar contract torn up, eventually going bankrupt, and spending 2 years in jail seems to be a tough price to pay. To go from having everything, to having everything taken away from you would hurt. It would drive some men to throw in the towel, but Michael Vick still wants to play pro football. He still has the attitude of a competitor. Why not give him a shot?

I'm not saying Michael Vick is a good person, but the horrendous crimes he committed have no relevance to football. If a stock broker gets busted for insider trading, they are banned for life from trading stocks. If an NFL player gets busted for dog fighting, they should never be able to own a dog again. That reasoning makes sense. To say an NFL player gets busted for dog fighting so they can never play football again does not make sense.

Two years ago, before the dog-fighting drama, if you told any team owner in the NFL that they could have Mike Vick in two years for league minimum salary, they would say "Fool, what are you smoking?" Michael Vick was under a $100 million dollar contract!! He was the definition of a franchise player. His name was synonimous with the Atlanta Falcons. Now, two years later, after a horrific public trial and court case, he is available to any team for the league minimum salary.

In my opinion, the NFL is a league that is better off with Michael Vick than without him. I'm not petitioning that he come in to Atlanta and become their starting QB because there is no way Vick would be able to come in and compete for a starting QB spot for any team in the NFL right now. His ability as a runner, his ability with the football in his hands was unquestioned 2 years ago. Is there anything left? Can he still compete and contribute as a role-player? I would think most sports fans, players, and coaches would agree with me, but they also realize what sort of frenzy will erupt with the signing of Vick. They also realize what sort of backlash a media frenzy of that nature could have on a team. Because of this fact, I would rule out any Super Bowl contenders (Pittsburgh, New England, San Diego, etc.) from signing him. If a team does want to take a chance on Vick, I would think it would be to play only in certain packages. He poses problems for opposing teams by just appearing on their roster as another explosive threat to be prepared for.

Ideally for Vick, he would be a similar player to Reggie Bush, but with a greater threat to throw the ball downfield. He could be lined up as a receiver, tailback, or wildcat QB with a real threat of passing. Or he may have nothing left. He may have lost a step and is now worthless on the field. Maybe a team signs him and cuts him 2 days later, never to be heard from again. Then again, maybe he can still make some plays with his feet. I am a dog lover but I still want to see the best competition and best players compete in the toughest sport in the world. Putting Vick in the UFL if he can still compete in the NFL is not the answer. Let him play.

To sum it all up, I think teams are ready to sign Michael Vick but the real question is, are any teams prepared and willing to take on the media circus and PETA protesters that come along with Michael Vick?

Only time will tell.

The Youth is Starting to Change

Wouldn't it be sweet if we could pass a law that made it mandatory to teach children in Elementary School that Star Wars was based on a true story. Interstellar wars between super and sub-human races throughout the galaxy resulting in mass chaos and the aryanization of Earth. Awesome idea? I think so. Here is why:

First, I know what you're thinking, "what about when my kids want to go to the moon?" We'll just tell them that Obama banned travel across space and light sabers in 2009. This way he can be responsible for putting the fictional, intergalactic bus-drivers out of work too. I mean, I would have much rather learned some made up facts about a race called the "wookies" that live on planet Rygel 7 and dig up giant gummi worms for food than the dumb guy who invented the light bulb. There are gajillions of light bulbs in the world, how many wookies are there? None. Why? Because they became extinct after the wars.......The Star Wars. (That's what we'll tell them, at least) If you tell kids that wookies are on the extinct animal list, they wont go looking for them. That could get dangerous, wookies eat kids all the time. My half-brother Bobby Sanchez Apelian got eaten by a wookie just last year. He went to this Phish concert and never came back. We just assume a wookie ate him........fucking hippies cant get enough gummi worms.

Also, this could be the long-awaited solution to racism. If we have imaginary Wookies, Klingons, and Ewok's to hate, we wouldnt have to hate blacks, or whites, or asians, or mexicans (well maybe still mexicans). We can all claim to be 1 superior race, the chosen race, or as I like to call our futuristic race "the whiteys." It's possible because we would still have imaginary people to hate and that means no feelings get hurt!! I know, this shit just got deep....

Back to the point, let these kids have a friggin imagination. I want hovercars god damnit, I want a light saber (which got banned after the Wars, by the way). Fuck an Escalade with some phatty rims, I want to ride that flying white dog thing from Neverending Story to school. Can I dream? Can I live? Without imagination, I wouldnt be able to write this. Why? No internet. People used to poop in pots and throw it in the streets. That's cool, right? Yea....No. Someone imagined that there could be pipes to take the poop the the sewer, hence the toilet and plumbing. That also created jobs, that's where the exposed butt plumber came from, duh.

Imagination is a powerful thing. In the words of Steven Tyler, "Dream on....motherfuckers."