I Wish It Was Cool To Be a Nerd When I Was a Kid...

Just look at what's popular these days: Kick-Ass, Harry Potter, wearing large black glasses, plaid shirts, v-necks, and sweaters.

I was watching an NBA playoff game this week and at the post-game conference Lebron James was dressed like Steve Urkel!

If I saw this guy when I was in high school, I would have kicked his ass.

The same goes for Dwyane Wade:

Come here Dwyane, It's wedgie time!!!

And this movie Kick-Ass.

It's a bunch of nerds. McLovin can't be a superhero. He would be shot and killed so fast. Also, is this actor aging like Benjamin Button? Wasn't he a senior in high school in Superbad? Seniors in high-school shouldn't be playing superhero dress-up....

There's even a band called N*E*R*D, so I guess they think it's cool to be a nerd? Maybe they never got swirlys in high school, cause I sure did. It wasn't so fun to be a nerd then, why is it so cool now?

Bad Popsicle Stick Jokes

Here are some original jokes that wouldn't work too well on children's food:

Q: Why did the camel have a lump on it's back?

A: The camel had cancer.

Q: Why do polar bears have strong hands?

A: To crush the skulls of baby seals and then tear the flesh off of their skeletons.

Q: Why did the girl fall off of the swing?

A: Because she had no arms.

Q: Why did the boy leave his backpack on the playground?

A: Because a pedophile kidnapped him and is now raping him in his basement.

Who do you want to be like when you grow up?

Yesterday, in my 4th grade class, I had to write a paper about who I want to be like when I grow up.

Obviously, I chose Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson. I mean, he never said what he was cooking, but I think it was a pretty damn good career...or some kind of delicious beat-down casserole.

Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson was such a good professional wrestler, he decided to leave the sports arena and take a shot at the world of acting and has since conquered that world. To progress from super-athlete to mega-actor, it doesn't get any better than that.

This guy was so great as "the Scorpion King" in "The Mummy" that he got his own Hollywood movie spin-off....unheard of! If Jesus could cast the movie "Tooth-Fairy", he would have picked "The Rock" to play the tooth-fairy...maybe Jesus did cast "Tooth-Fairy"? Did he? And "The Rock" isn't even an actor! He's a professional wrestler! How did he find out he could act so well when he was busy kicking ass?!?! He's a one in a million type of talent. A diamond in the rough. Well, a rock in the rough (get it? pun intended!).

Even with all of those accomplishments, Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson can't hide the fact that he's a total douche. Ooooooh, someone just laid the smack-down! Did you smell what I cooked there, "Rock"? You suck, douche.

And I had to check wikipedia to make sure you weren't in "Chronicles of Riddick" and "Fast and the Furious" cause you look a lot like that douche, Vin Diesel, too.

Tiger Woods to Make Statement Tomorrow (2/19/10)

Tomorrow, Tiger Woods will be issuing a statement regarding his recently-discovered extramarital activities along with when we can expect his return to the PGA tour. Popular belief is that Tiger will not be answering any questions. Basically, le Tigre is going to try to clear up some of the uncertainty of his future and attempt to protect his image while avoiding the mess he has created. If I could ask Tiger some questions, I think I would start with some of these:

- You were hooking up with some stupid fly honey's. So, Tiger, I ask you...was it awesome?

- Mr. Woods, did you ever play the back 9?

- Which of your many, many mistresses had the best pair of floppers?

- Are you now afraid of your wife, Elin, going all ghetto on your ass again?

- Tiger, did you really pork the middle-aged waitress from Perkins or is that bullshit?

(If yes, Tiger, what the hell were you doing frequenting a Perkins? Aren't you some kind of super billionaire?)

- Keep it real with me now. Would you do it again?

Battle of the Baldwins

To rank the Baldwin brothers would go a little like this (reasons are included):

1. Alec - He's got the best career by far, and he was the first to join the biz. Revitalized by "30 Rock" (along with Tracy Morgan) and popularizing Tina Fey and Jack McBrier throughout the past few years, he's become an icon of TV and made it back to the big screen. Easily the most handsome Baldwin.

Pros: "30 Rock", "The Departed", "Outside Providence", "Royal Tenenbaums", and "Along Came Polly"

Cons: Appearances on "Will & Grace"

2. Stephen - "Bio-Dome" and "The Usual Suspects". That's enough to solidify second.

Cons: Reality TV. "The Celebrity Apprentice","Celebrity Big Brother", etc.

Wild Card: "Ty Murray's Celebrity Bull-Riding Challenge"

3. Daniel - The cocaine addicted Baldwin brother. Yep, it's Daniel who plays with the nose-candy, not Billy. Neither of them are very worthy, but Daniel is better known....purely because of his cocaine addiction.

Pros: He was in a movie called "Sidekick" which makes me think of the Chuck Norris thrillride "Sidekicks". Always good to be associated with that movie.

Cons: That whole cocaine thing...

4. Billy - The silent Baldwin and by far the ugliest. He was considered for the role of Batman in "Batman Forever" but was eventually beat out by......Val Kilmer? (If he had landed that role, he would have landed above Daniel on this list, poor guy).

Pros: "The Squid and The Whale", "Gossip Girl", "Dirty Sexy Money", "Fair Game" with Cindy Crawford.

Cons: Constantly confused with cocaine-addicted brother "Daniel." Was denied the role of Batman.

Hook

So, I'm a big fan of the movie "Hook" and I'm watching it today after not seeing the film for a couple years. Here are some thoughts I have on the movie:

- The Lost Boys are homicidal orphans. The Lost Boys are little kids (ages 7-13) whose lives resemble the movie "Camp Nowhere" except there is one difference. Instead of partying and attempting to put their penises in strange places like teens with no parents around, their primary goal in life is to kill adults. If they ever lose their marbles and have to go back to the real world, they will never be able to adjust to a normal society. We would have to put these kids to sleep like rabid dogs.

- Peter flies into the bedroom of a teenage girl and starts to cry on her bedroom floor she asks "You boy, why are you crying?" not "What the hell are you doing in my bedroom?" The conclusion we can draw from this is that Wendy is a total slut.

- Smee's man-crush on Captain Hook aside, the pirates seem a little too happy for a group of middle-aged men without a woman in sight. I mean, I like guns and grog as much as the next guy, but something seems a little......queer...about these particular pirates, if you ask me.

-Yep, Jack Panning went from Captain Hook's protege to William Lichter, the geek from "Can't Hardly Wait"

- Then my mind kind of trailed off and I started to imagine what the small version of Tink would look like naked....it's not bad.

Top Ten Rock/Alt Albums of the Decade

Here is a list of my top ten rock or alternative rock albums of the 2000's. I am an un-biased music fan.

10. N*E*R*D - In Search Of...

9. Spoon - Ga Ga Ga Ga Ga

8. The Libertines - The Libertines

7. The Killers - Day & Age

6. Guster - Keep It Together

5. The Love Language - The Love Language

4. MGMT - Oracular Spectacular

3. The Libertines - Up The Bracket

2. The Strokes - Is This It?

1. The Mars Volta - De-Loused In The Comatorium

Notable Mentions:

- Yeah Yeah Yeah's - It's Blitz

- Arctic Monkeys - Whatever People Say I Am, That's What I'm Not

- The Strokes - Room On Fire

- Gorillaz - Demon Days

- The Mars Volta - The Bedlam In Goliath

- The Killers - Sam's Town

- Metric - Fantasies

- Ted Leo & Pharmacists - Shake The Sheets

- 30 Seconds To Mars - A Beautiful Lie

An Excerpt From my Sister's Diary

So, how did I get my hands on this here diary? Well, it was Saturday, I was going through my sisters drawers and found it so I started reading and laughing (at her, not with her). Then she burst into her room and started yelling and biting me like a huge bitch. I gave in and she yanked the diary out of my hands. However, I was able to rip a page out and salvage the writing. Here is what it said:

"...and then when I stood up, he had blood all over his pant leg. And to make matters worse my whole 4th period (no pun intended) Spanish class started laughing at me and thought it was the funniest thing ever. It was horrible, it was the worst day of my life.

-Heather

November 15, 2009

Dear Diary,

Guess who has a new nickname at school? Yep, all the senior boys are calling me "period girl" and all of my friends are avoiding me like the plague. The only positive thing about today is that it couldn't be any worse than yesterday.

Since I was alone all day, it gave me time to think. I had a revelation. I think I'm ready to lose my virginity! And I thought I knew who the perfect guy was, Donny Johnson. He is sooooo cute and funny and, like, just perfect. So I went to tell him the news and see if he was interested in me at all and he said "I'd love to bang you, I just don't wanna be your first." So I said why not? He told me he banged Megan Simmons (Megan Simmons is a stupid slut who wears wayyyy too much make-up!!! I can't believe Donny slept with her) and that he was her first. So apparently that whore didn't leave him alone for a year. Calls every day, calls every night, text messages, showing up at his front door, making friends with his mom behind his back, the whole shabang. Now, he says that his mom has enough friends and that he doesn't want to go through that again. I said I would be fine with just porking and I wouldn't go crazy but he still won't believe me. What can I do to convince him? Should I just bang Robert Frazier and get it over with? I heard Robert Frazier has a huge"

And that's where it cuts off. Hmm...I never knew that about Robert. Good for him. I guess my sister is a whore. I wonder if she has this Megan Simmons' phone number?

If I were Robert Pattinson...

If I were Robert Pattinson, I'd hire a guy to check ID's at my bedroom door, 18 and up only!

If I were Robert Pattinson, I'd make chicks call me Edward when we banged.

If I were Robert Pattinson, I'd wear vampire teeth everywhere I went and when people asked if I was Robert Pattinson, I'd say, "no, I'm just a big fan."

If I were Robert Pattinson, I'd keep bags of hawaiian punch in my refrigerator so if I brought back any thirsty, drunk sluts from the club they would think I was really a vampire.

If I were Robert Pattinson, I would dress up as a pirate for Halloween and when people get pissed off that I'm not a vampire, I'd say, "I'm a vampire the other 364 days of the year, can I be a pirate for 1 day? Come on!"

To all the 16 year old men out there: If I were Robert Pattinson, I'd bang your girlfriend....

Adam wanted to contribute one, so I let him: "If I were Robert Pattinson, I'd be in jail for statutory rape." - Adam Barefoot

Short Films for the bored

With the production of our new web series going slow, we have been writing and planning to do a short film or 2 in the near future. Looking for inspiration I have been searching youtube and other websites to find all types of short films. If anyone out there is as bored as me (probably not), here are the 7 best shorts I came across that may keep you entertained at work.

7. Sun Sessions

The coming of age tale about a unique high school elvis fanatic who gets dumped by his first true love. Instead of roses and chocolates, Henry and his bandmates try to win back the girl through more creative methods, but her new annoying "jock" type boyfriend is ready to fight for her.

6. Samsara

The sun is dying, the sky is falling, the world is ending. But in less than eight and a half minutes, hope is coming.

Samsara: Episode 2 - "Jeff" from Roshan Murthy on Vimeo.

5. Bullet In The Brain

Based on the short story by Tobias Wolff. Amazing acting, writing and directing. A must see for a writer or director.

PART 2 here: watch

4. School Of Life

A school teacher gives her students the answers to all of life's questions.

3. Autonomy

A man contemplates the numbing monotony of daily working life, and his escape from it. All of you recent college grads realizing how much working life sucks will appreciate this one.

2. The Legend Of David

FCRabbath (Freddy Rabbath). Remember this director, he will be the next Steven Spielburg.

This short film is long but amazing for a high school student on a zero dollar budget. Beautifully made with a great suspenseful story.

1. Hotel Chevalier

A beautiful love story... Or maybe not. This was the short film that played before the Darjeeling Limited, written and directed by Wes Anderson. Amazing directing/cinematography, wonderful acting and beautiful dialogue. If you like this you should watch the whole movie, The Darjeeling Limited.