An Excerpt From my Sister's Diary

So, how did I get my hands on this here diary? Well, it was Saturday, I was going through my sisters drawers and found it so I started reading and laughing (at her, not with her). Then she burst into her room and started yelling and biting me like a huge bitch. I gave in and she yanked the diary out of my hands. However, I was able to rip a page out and salvage the writing. Here is what it said:

"...and then when I stood up, he had blood all over his pant leg. And to make matters worse my whole 4th period (no pun intended) Spanish class started laughing at me and thought it was the funniest thing ever. It was horrible, it was the worst day of my life.

-Heather

November 15, 2009

Dear Diary,

Guess who has a new nickname at school? Yep, all the senior boys are calling me "period girl" and all of my friends are avoiding me like the plague. The only positive thing about today is that it couldn't be any worse than yesterday.

Since I was alone all day, it gave me time to think. I had a revelation. I think I'm ready to lose my virginity! And I thought I knew who the perfect guy was, Donny Johnson. He is sooooo cute and funny and, like, just perfect. So I went to tell him the news and see if he was interested in me at all and he said "I'd love to bang you, I just don't wanna be your first." So I said why not? He told me he banged Megan Simmons (Megan Simmons is a stupid slut who wears wayyyy too much make-up!!! I can't believe Donny slept with her) and that he was her first. So apparently that whore didn't leave him alone for a year. Calls every day, calls every night, text messages, showing up at his front door, making friends with his mom behind his back, the whole shabang. Now, he says that his mom has enough friends and that he doesn't want to go through that again. I said I would be fine with just porking and I wouldn't go crazy but he still won't believe me. What can I do to convince him? Should I just bang Robert Frazier and get it over with? I heard Robert Frazier has a huge"

And that's where it cuts off. Hmm...I never knew that about Robert. Good for him. I guess my sister is a whore. I wonder if she has this Megan Simmons' phone number?

If I were Robert Pattinson...

If I were Robert Pattinson, I'd hire a guy to check ID's at my bedroom door, 18 and up only!

If I were Robert Pattinson, I'd make chicks call me Edward when we banged.

If I were Robert Pattinson, I'd wear vampire teeth everywhere I went and when people asked if I was Robert Pattinson, I'd say, "no, I'm just a big fan."

If I were Robert Pattinson, I'd keep bags of hawaiian punch in my refrigerator so if I brought back any thirsty, drunk sluts from the club they would think I was really a vampire.

If I were Robert Pattinson, I would dress up as a pirate for Halloween and when people get pissed off that I'm not a vampire, I'd say, "I'm a vampire the other 364 days of the year, can I be a pirate for 1 day? Come on!"

To all the 16 year old men out there: If I were Robert Pattinson, I'd bang your girlfriend....

Adam wanted to contribute one, so I let him: "If I were Robert Pattinson, I'd be in jail for statutory rape." - Adam Barefoot