If I were Robert Pattinson...

If I were Robert Pattinson, I'd hire a guy to check ID's at my bedroom door, 18 and up only!

If I were Robert Pattinson, I'd make chicks call me Edward when we banged.

If I were Robert Pattinson, I'd wear vampire teeth everywhere I went and when people asked if I was Robert Pattinson, I'd say, "no, I'm just a big fan."

If I were Robert Pattinson, I'd keep bags of hawaiian punch in my refrigerator so if I brought back any thirsty, drunk sluts from the club they would think I was really a vampire.

If I were Robert Pattinson, I would dress up as a pirate for Halloween and when people get pissed off that I'm not a vampire, I'd say, "I'm a vampire the other 364 days of the year, can I be a pirate for 1 day? Come on!"

To all the 16 year old men out there: If I were Robert Pattinson, I'd bang your girlfriend....

Adam wanted to contribute one, so I let him: "If I were Robert Pattinson, I'd be in jail for statutory rape." - Adam Barefoot