How Phillip's Head Became Immortal

So, I doubt I'm the only person who ever thought, "why do they call it a phillip's head screwdriver? is Phillip some guy with a weird shaped head or something." ("they" is everyone in the world....except babies. Babies don't call anything by name....idiots.) My next immediate thought was, "Wow Dan, are you serious? you don't really think that, do you? I mean, a guy with a weird shaped head? That's so stupid."

I realized that I don't and that if I did, I would most likely be half-retarded and probably live somewhere in Georgia.

But I still didn't know why they call it a Phillip's head screwdriver ("they." Still everyone but babies). So I did some research. Turns out, what really happened was that in 1698 some idiot named Phillip wanted to hang his favorite watercolor painting of Tupac Shakur and Dr. Dre, his favorite rappers of the era, in his den but he didn't have a screwdriver (back then, there was only one type of screwdriver, that is why I am not more specific in screwdriver style). The next day, like any member of a generous community, Phillip went next door and asked his neighbor to borrow his screwdriver and his neighbor accidentally gave him the prototype of a new "2 Way Flathead Screwdriver" that he was working on. So Phillip used the screwdriver on a 2 way flathead screw and it worked wonders. With basically no effort or wrist fatigue involved, Phillip was finally looking above his flat-screen, plasma TV set at his 2 favorite rappers. The very next day Phillip went down to the patent office and patented it as a screwdriver that provides better leverage and turnability than your standard flathead screwdriver. It could also be used as a multi-purpose weapon used to beat/stab your wife or spawn, but Phillip decided to leave that part out of the patent. He took all of the credit and named the screwdriver after himself.

Phillip never returned the original prototype. Phillip was an asshole.



Question (too lazy to make up another story): Why in the Hell Are There 2 Different Types Of Screw Heads?

You're not as cool as you think you are, Alexander Graham Bell.

Yea, I said it....Alex. You're not as cool as you think you are. Is it ok if I call you Alex? No, you know what, I don't even care.

I want to start by getting the mushy stuff out of the way:

Dear Alexander Graham Bell,

Thanks for inventing the telephone, sometimes I call my mother with it....but that is all I will thank you for.

(Editor's note: After checking wikipedia, turns out this dude invented a bunch of other sweet stuff including air conditioning. I would add a few more thanks' but I already mailed the letter. This was just a scanned copy.)

Sincerely

Dan Apelian

Now that that's out of the way, let the public smearing begin.

Alexander, you are the sole reason for the creation of the reality show featuring host Justin Timberlake, aired on Fox at 9pm on Wednesday nights (thanks again, wikipedia.), called "The Phone."

As a matter of fact, you were behind some of the worst theatrics ever produced. I'll start with the movie "Phone Booth." A movie that takes place in a phone booth? Dude, come on? You can't be serious?

"Cellular." Cellular is a movie about a dude who gets a call saying the person has been kidnapped and he has to solve the mystery talking to people on his phone. This is unlike other mystery movies where the criminal uses mime's to act out the crimes to police. This is unlike other mystery films that the criminal captures a hostage 8 year old at the San Diego zoo's kangaroo exhibit to demand a glow-in-the-dark bible that transforms into a panther. Every action/mystery movie criminal uses cell phones to talk to people. Are you kidding me movie producer? Of course they use a phone. It's not exactly like they can walk to the police station, report a kidnapping, throw human fecal matter at the receptionist, break 10 pearl necklaces to give yourself a better chance, and then run away from the cops. You use a fucking phone. The phone that Alex Bell so kindly invented (sarcastic undertone included).

And I don't even want to get started on titles like "One Missed Call", "I Know/Still Know/Think I Still Know What You Did Last Summer!?", "The Ring 1&2", etc. So, I won't. You already got the point.....unless you're stupid and think I'm being serious. Then you're just dumb.

Byeeee

-Danny Boy Jr.

(All facts provided by Wikipedia.com)