You're not as cool as you think you are, Alexander Graham Bell.

Yea, I said it....Alex. You're not as cool as you think you are. Is it ok if I call you Alex? No, you know what, I don't even care.

I want to start by getting the mushy stuff out of the way:

Dear Alexander Graham Bell,

Thanks for inventing the telephone, sometimes I call my mother with it....but that is all I will thank you for.

(Editor's note: After checking wikipedia, turns out this dude invented a bunch of other sweet stuff including air conditioning. I would add a few more thanks' but I already mailed the letter. This was just a scanned copy.)

Sincerely

Dan Apelian

Now that that's out of the way, let the public smearing begin.

Alexander, you are the sole reason for the creation of the reality show featuring host Justin Timberlake, aired on Fox at 9pm on Wednesday nights (thanks again, wikipedia.), called "The Phone."

As a matter of fact, you were behind some of the worst theatrics ever produced. I'll start with the movie "Phone Booth." A movie that takes place in a phone booth? Dude, come on? You can't be serious?

"Cellular." Cellular is a movie about a dude who gets a call saying the person has been kidnapped and he has to solve the mystery talking to people on his phone. This is unlike other mystery movies where the criminal uses mime's to act out the crimes to police. This is unlike other mystery films that the criminal captures a hostage 8 year old at the San Diego zoo's kangaroo exhibit to demand a glow-in-the-dark bible that transforms into a panther. Every action/mystery movie criminal uses cell phones to talk to people. Are you kidding me movie producer? Of course they use a phone. It's not exactly like they can walk to the police station, report a kidnapping, throw human fecal matter at the receptionist, break 10 pearl necklaces to give yourself a better chance, and then run away from the cops. You use a fucking phone. The phone that Alex Bell so kindly invented (sarcastic undertone included).

And I don't even want to get started on titles like "One Missed Call", "I Know/Still Know/Think I Still Know What You Did Last Summer!?", "The Ring 1&2", etc. So, I won't. You already got the point.....unless you're stupid and think I'm being serious. Then you're just dumb.

Byeeee

-Danny Boy Jr.

(All facts provided by Wikipedia.com)