Barbershop IV

Haircut lady says "what can I do ya for, skinny?"

I says, "lady, I'll take a haircut...and don't give me that straight line across my forehead. I don't want to look like a lego-man for the next three weeks. Okay?"

She responds with, "Sure kid, take a seat (spins chair, tosses me a lollipop)"

A few minutes in, I'm already thinking, "Ok, can we just put it all back and start over?" But you can't, it's not possible, nor reasonable. So you have to shut up and say "Yep, just like that. Yep, exactly like a lego-man. Perfect." Because of you, I now have to walk around looking like an asshole lego-man for 3 weeks. Thanks.

In the end, it'll grow back. And that's the beauty of being a barber (hair stylist?), you get to cut hair, and if you do a shitty job, who cares? Just the idiot with the bad haircut.

At least I have a nice hat collection, whore.

A Letter to Captain Kirk

Dear Captain Kirk,

I always had a few questions for you that I was never able to ask. Back in 1998, I met you at a Star Wars convention in Dayton, OH, but I couldn't muster up the courage to ask you in person. Hehe, pretty silly, huh? I mean, you're a complete legend. You're the total package; pssh, try not to be intimidated! I must say, I felt a little bit like you felt when you found out that Princess Leia was really your sister and it got a little awkward between the two of you because 4 days earlier you guys had both gotten really drunk on planet Naboo and you two deep space 69'd til' the sun came up. Talk about uncomfortable....

So, I always wondered, did you ever get laid based purely on the fact that you were the captain of the millenium falcon?

Could Chesley Sullenberger do your job?

Even though Spock was merely a Padawan, could he still hook up with human females? or was he more of a sexual outcast forced to make love to Wookie women (yuck!)?

I always pictured Chewbacca as a chronic masturbater? Did you ever walk in on him rubbing one out? Maybe in the bathroom with a centerfold of a teen wolf?

This is more of an opinion thing, but, was it wrong for me to have broken up with my girlfriend because she referred to Dr. Bones as Mr. Bones? The Doc didn't go to 4 extra years of school to be called Mister. No respect, ya know?

Welp, I've gotta go, my friends and I like to play trivia at the local sports bar on Sunday nights, our team is called the "Trek Stars." I don't want to be late.

To infinity and beyond!!!

It's a Small World....Full of Bastards.

So, I've been following the whole Sandra Cantu murder that happened in Tracy, California a few weeks ago pretty closely. I'll give you a brief rundown of the events to catch anyone up who doesn't know what happened (does anyone even read this?):

-Sandra Cantu is an 8 year old girl who lived in a trailer park in Tracy, CA who was missing for several weeks
-Eventually they found her body in a suitcase at the bottom of an irrigation pond
-The last day she was seen, they caught her on a surveillance tape skipping happily to a friends house like you can imagine a happy, healthy, 8 year old girl would
-The friend she was going to see was a 5 year old playmate who lived in the same trailer park
-Finally, they get some clues and leads that the mother of the 5 year old girl, Melissa Huckaby, is the murderer
-Melissa Huckaby is charged with rape with a foreign object and murder of 8 year old Sandra Cantu

Now, I'm going to guess Tracy, CA is a pretty fucked up place. This statement isn't just me being the asshole that I am, it's based on facts! Sure, I don't like poor people, but not only was an 8 year old girl raped and murdered, but one of her neighbors within the trailer park admitted to kissing Sandra on the lips 2 years earlier, when she was 6! He is a grown man, he kissed a 6 year old girl on the mouth. Obviously, this douchebagel is a suspect, but it turns out it wasn't even him.

The next suspect, Melissa Huckaby; the mother of the girl Sandra was going to play with the day she disappeared. This 28 year old; grown woman; mother of a 5 year old, is a Sunday school teacher!! She is currently being charged with rape and murder of an 8 year old girl. Are you f'n kidding me? She is a mother and a Sunday school teacher! I feel like I'm watching a farfetched crime drama on TBS. What the hell went on in her mind to make her want to, not only rape but, take the life of an 8 year old friend of her daughter? The girl never had a chance, she wasn't even old enough to form an identity, she didn't even have a chance. Now, what could a normal 8 year old girl have done to deserve that? If I was Sandra's parents, I would make it a mission to see this woman get the chair. Not only do they have the unfortunate luck to live in some shitty trailer park, but their 8 year old daughter was taken from them and killed.

It only gets more ridiculous. Today, there was an article online about another woman; 28 year old, Sunday school teacher, 2 daughters aged 5 and 8. Guess what her name is? Melissa Huckaby. Guess where she lives? 12 miles from Tracy, CA. What are the odds of that? Seriously, math whizzes, what are the odds of that? There are what....a couple hundred people on Earth? Same name, same profession (is sunday school teacher a profession?), daughters the same age as the two kids involved, same age. Crazy. She is now getting death threats because of the obvious confusion, but fuck her. My message to the non-murderer Melissa Huckaby: "change your name and get a real job you idiot." My message to the murderer Melissa Huckaby: "I hope you fucking die in prison, you fucked up, cuntbag bitch. You suck."

I love the news, but it kind of sucks that bad things need to happen to keep me interested. It's weird, I couldn't care less about "Man slides under moving 18 wheeler to catch baby falling from empire state building because it's parachute got tangled by flock of seagulls." (Okay, I lied, that story sounds awesome, but you know what I mean). I would totally give up reading the news if shit like the Sandra Cantu murder didn't happen. I can be entertained by lots of other things, i.e. video games.......yea, video games is it.

It just pisses me off that someone on this planet could destroy and then take the life of a young person who never had a chance. Think about all the people you walk past each day, all the people you pass on the road, all of your friends and family. Could you honestly say you picture anyone you know being a child rapist/murderer? I know I couldnt (adam), but they exist. I like to think people are generally good and that's the sad part, that's what everyone always says, "it's not like her." "she couldnt have done that." Well, if it turns out that she did it, she needs to pay....with her life (you have to read that last part very dramatically). Same goes for any and every other child-killing fuck-up out there. Find something positive in your lives, you bastards.

I should be a reporter......bitch.....

Interview with Will Ferrell

DA: Hey Will, thanks for joining me for my first interview. I'm really excited, I hope I dont climax until the very end.

WF: Oh, thanks for having me. You guys do great things with merely a camera and eachother's (obviously) super human minds.

DA: Gloop glorb (thank you). So Will, let's get right down to it. Why are you such a douchebag?

WF: Excuse me?

DA: Ever since Old School, you've played some of the shittiest comedy roles I've ever seen : Ron Burgundy - Anchorman (wasn't all bad, people quoting this made it worse), retarded rollerblader or something - Blades of Glory, retarded race car driver - Talladega Nights, a retarded basketball coach - Semi-Pro, and one of the retarded step brothers - Step Brothers. They are basically all the same character with different jobs. Did you notice that when you accepted the money for these roles?

WF: Hey, I never noticed that, but it's kind of true if you think about it. You are smart! Do you think I'm retarded?

DA: You are....you must be....is it still a question? it's still a question?

DA: Moving on. 2 Part question: What made you decide John C Reilly should be in comedy and did he enjoy the flavour of your penis?

WF: Hey man! before Talladega Nights he played Buck Bretherton in "Days of Thunder," hell! he was Tucker Van Dyke in "What's Eating Gilbert Grape?." Case in point.

DA: Yea...no, not much for a convincing case. Did you ever see that movie with the cat and dog and they float down the river in a box?

WF: Umm...yea, but what does that have to do with my interview?

DA: Ohh, I'm done. I figured you'd have realized that I pretty much hate you by know and would have jumped off a cliff onto a pile of rusty hacksaws and famous cartoon villains!

WF: Ok, welp, I should probably go get braces anyways. See ya.

National Pillow Fight Day!

Adam and I just returned from a great day of pillow fighting in downtown Raleigh, NC. There was a great showing of some really cool people. It made me feel a little better about this world. There were no douche's there or assholes. Just people to have a good time and pillow fight.....so I beat the crap out of them with a pillow and danced in victory. We got some footage and will be uploading it soon. Hope everyone made it out to their city's pillow fight and had as good a time as we had. I need some water, I gotta get drunk tonight.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fb3-iQ5xC_0

Alternative Fuels for PEOPLE

What if you never had to sleep? You could do so many things. And don't get me started on eating....talk about a waste of time....

That's why I invented.....

drumroll.....

GASOLINE FOR HUMANS!!!! It's a fuel that nourishes and energizes 24/7. Unfortunately, you still have to poop. (did I say unfortunately?)

What to call it? Humaline? Humangas? Manjuice? I think I'll stick with Humaline [hu-ma-leen].

Humaline: No more food, no more sleep....unless you want to. But you better believe I'm gonna fucking draw all over you while you sleep.

Some drawbacks to no sleep:

-asshole bosses would make you work a lot
-your kids would have soccer practice every day (but they could probably drive themselves at age 8)
-8 year old drivers

Ok, it's not a real product but you were totally pumped to drink some.

P.S. Pillow fight this weekend in downtown Raleigh (and most other big US cities). For all of you who live in dumpy, redneck towns; dont worry Adam is gonna film it and put it online. Unless my pillow slaps the camera out of his girly hands. Yes, he would cry.

-Dbles