How Phillip's Head Became Immortal

So, I doubt I'm the only person who ever thought, "why do they call it a phillip's head screwdriver? is Phillip some guy with a weird shaped head or something." ("they" is everyone in the world....except babies. Babies don't call anything by name....idiots.) My next immediate thought was, "Wow Dan, are you serious? you don't really think that, do you? I mean, a guy with a weird shaped head? That's so stupid."

I realized that I don't and that if I did, I would most likely be half-retarded and probably live somewhere in Georgia.

But I still didn't know why they call it a Phillip's head screwdriver ("they." Still everyone but babies). So I did some research. Turns out, what really happened was that in 1698 some idiot named Phillip wanted to hang his favorite watercolor painting of Tupac Shakur and Dr. Dre, his favorite rappers of the era, in his den but he didn't have a screwdriver (back then, there was only one type of screwdriver, that is why I am not more specific in screwdriver style). The next day, like any member of a generous community, Phillip went next door and asked his neighbor to borrow his screwdriver and his neighbor accidentally gave him the prototype of a new "2 Way Flathead Screwdriver" that he was working on. So Phillip used the screwdriver on a 2 way flathead screw and it worked wonders. With basically no effort or wrist fatigue involved, Phillip was finally looking above his flat-screen, plasma TV set at his 2 favorite rappers. The very next day Phillip went down to the patent office and patented it as a screwdriver that provides better leverage and turnability than your standard flathead screwdriver. It could also be used as a multi-purpose weapon used to beat/stab your wife or spawn, but Phillip decided to leave that part out of the patent. He took all of the credit and named the screwdriver after himself.

Phillip never returned the original prototype. Phillip was an asshole.



Question (too lazy to make up another story): Why in the Hell Are There 2 Different Types Of Screw Heads?

You're not as cool as you think you are, Alexander Graham Bell.

Yea, I said it....Alex. You're not as cool as you think you are. Is it ok if I call you Alex? No, you know what, I don't even care.

I want to start by getting the mushy stuff out of the way:

Dear Alexander Graham Bell,

Thanks for inventing the telephone, sometimes I call my mother with it....but that is all I will thank you for.

(Editor's note: After checking wikipedia, turns out this dude invented a bunch of other sweet stuff including air conditioning. I would add a few more thanks' but I already mailed the letter. This was just a scanned copy.)

Sincerely

Dan Apelian

Now that that's out of the way, let the public smearing begin.

Alexander, you are the sole reason for the creation of the reality show featuring host Justin Timberlake, aired on Fox at 9pm on Wednesday nights (thanks again, wikipedia.), called "The Phone."

As a matter of fact, you were behind some of the worst theatrics ever produced. I'll start with the movie "Phone Booth." A movie that takes place in a phone booth? Dude, come on? You can't be serious?

"Cellular." Cellular is a movie about a dude who gets a call saying the person has been kidnapped and he has to solve the mystery talking to people on his phone. This is unlike other mystery movies where the criminal uses mime's to act out the crimes to police. This is unlike other mystery films that the criminal captures a hostage 8 year old at the San Diego zoo's kangaroo exhibit to demand a glow-in-the-dark bible that transforms into a panther. Every action/mystery movie criminal uses cell phones to talk to people. Are you kidding me movie producer? Of course they use a phone. It's not exactly like they can walk to the police station, report a kidnapping, throw human fecal matter at the receptionist, break 10 pearl necklaces to give yourself a better chance, and then run away from the cops. You use a fucking phone. The phone that Alex Bell so kindly invented (sarcastic undertone included).

And I don't even want to get started on titles like "One Missed Call", "I Know/Still Know/Think I Still Know What You Did Last Summer!?", "The Ring 1&2", etc. So, I won't. You already got the point.....unless you're stupid and think I'm being serious. Then you're just dumb.

Byeeee

-Danny Boy Jr.

(All facts provided by Wikipedia.com)

Barbershop IV

Haircut lady says "what can I do ya for, skinny?"

I says, "lady, I'll take a haircut...and don't give me that straight line across my forehead. I don't want to look like a lego-man for the next three weeks. Okay?"

She responds with, "Sure kid, take a seat (spins chair, tosses me a lollipop)"

A few minutes in, I'm already thinking, "Ok, can we just put it all back and start over?" But you can't, it's not possible, nor reasonable. So you have to shut up and say "Yep, just like that. Yep, exactly like a lego-man. Perfect." Because of you, I now have to walk around looking like an asshole lego-man for 3 weeks. Thanks.

In the end, it'll grow back. And that's the beauty of being a barber (hair stylist?), you get to cut hair, and if you do a shitty job, who cares? Just the idiot with the bad haircut.

At least I have a nice hat collection, whore.

A Letter to Captain Kirk

Dear Captain Kirk,

I always had a few questions for you that I was never able to ask. Back in 1998, I met you at a Star Wars convention in Dayton, OH, but I couldn't muster up the courage to ask you in person. Hehe, pretty silly, huh? I mean, you're a complete legend. You're the total package; pssh, try not to be intimidated! I must say, I felt a little bit like you felt when you found out that Princess Leia was really your sister and it got a little awkward between the two of you because 4 days earlier you guys had both gotten really drunk on planet Naboo and you two deep space 69'd til' the sun came up. Talk about uncomfortable....

So, I always wondered, did you ever get laid based purely on the fact that you were the captain of the millenium falcon?

Could Chesley Sullenberger do your job?

Even though Spock was merely a Padawan, could he still hook up with human females? or was he more of a sexual outcast forced to make love to Wookie women (yuck!)?

I always pictured Chewbacca as a chronic masturbater? Did you ever walk in on him rubbing one out? Maybe in the bathroom with a centerfold of a teen wolf?

This is more of an opinion thing, but, was it wrong for me to have broken up with my girlfriend because she referred to Dr. Bones as Mr. Bones? The Doc didn't go to 4 extra years of school to be called Mister. No respect, ya know?

Welp, I've gotta go, my friends and I like to play trivia at the local sports bar on Sunday nights, our team is called the "Trek Stars." I don't want to be late.

To infinity and beyond!!!

It's a Small World....Full of Bastards.

So, I've been following the whole Sandra Cantu murder that happened in Tracy, California a few weeks ago pretty closely. I'll give you a brief rundown of the events to catch anyone up who doesn't know what happened (does anyone even read this?):

-Sandra Cantu is an 8 year old girl who lived in a trailer park in Tracy, CA who was missing for several weeks
-Eventually they found her body in a suitcase at the bottom of an irrigation pond
-The last day she was seen, they caught her on a surveillance tape skipping happily to a friends house like you can imagine a happy, healthy, 8 year old girl would
-The friend she was going to see was a 5 year old playmate who lived in the same trailer park
-Finally, they get some clues and leads that the mother of the 5 year old girl, Melissa Huckaby, is the murderer
-Melissa Huckaby is charged with rape with a foreign object and murder of 8 year old Sandra Cantu

Now, I'm going to guess Tracy, CA is a pretty fucked up place. This statement isn't just me being the asshole that I am, it's based on facts! Sure, I don't like poor people, but not only was an 8 year old girl raped and murdered, but one of her neighbors within the trailer park admitted to kissing Sandra on the lips 2 years earlier, when she was 6! He is a grown man, he kissed a 6 year old girl on the mouth. Obviously, this douchebagel is a suspect, but it turns out it wasn't even him.

The next suspect, Melissa Huckaby; the mother of the girl Sandra was going to play with the day she disappeared. This 28 year old; grown woman; mother of a 5 year old, is a Sunday school teacher!! She is currently being charged with rape and murder of an 8 year old girl. Are you f'n kidding me? She is a mother and a Sunday school teacher! I feel like I'm watching a farfetched crime drama on TBS. What the hell went on in her mind to make her want to, not only rape but, take the life of an 8 year old friend of her daughter? The girl never had a chance, she wasn't even old enough to form an identity, she didn't even have a chance. Now, what could a normal 8 year old girl have done to deserve that? If I was Sandra's parents, I would make it a mission to see this woman get the chair. Not only do they have the unfortunate luck to live in some shitty trailer park, but their 8 year old daughter was taken from them and killed.

It only gets more ridiculous. Today, there was an article online about another woman; 28 year old, Sunday school teacher, 2 daughters aged 5 and 8. Guess what her name is? Melissa Huckaby. Guess where she lives? 12 miles from Tracy, CA. What are the odds of that? Seriously, math whizzes, what are the odds of that? There are what....a couple hundred people on Earth? Same name, same profession (is sunday school teacher a profession?), daughters the same age as the two kids involved, same age. Crazy. She is now getting death threats because of the obvious confusion, but fuck her. My message to the non-murderer Melissa Huckaby: "change your name and get a real job you idiot." My message to the murderer Melissa Huckaby: "I hope you fucking die in prison, you fucked up, cuntbag bitch. You suck."

I love the news, but it kind of sucks that bad things need to happen to keep me interested. It's weird, I couldn't care less about "Man slides under moving 18 wheeler to catch baby falling from empire state building because it's parachute got tangled by flock of seagulls." (Okay, I lied, that story sounds awesome, but you know what I mean). I would totally give up reading the news if shit like the Sandra Cantu murder didn't happen. I can be entertained by lots of other things, i.e. video games.......yea, video games is it.

It just pisses me off that someone on this planet could destroy and then take the life of a young person who never had a chance. Think about all the people you walk past each day, all the people you pass on the road, all of your friends and family. Could you honestly say you picture anyone you know being a child rapist/murderer? I know I couldnt (adam), but they exist. I like to think people are generally good and that's the sad part, that's what everyone always says, "it's not like her." "she couldnt have done that." Well, if it turns out that she did it, she needs to pay....with her life (you have to read that last part very dramatically). Same goes for any and every other child-killing fuck-up out there. Find something positive in your lives, you bastards.

I should be a reporter......bitch.....

Interview with Will Ferrell

DA: Hey Will, thanks for joining me for my first interview. I'm really excited, I hope I dont climax until the very end.

WF: Oh, thanks for having me. You guys do great things with merely a camera and eachother's (obviously) super human minds.

DA: Gloop glorb (thank you). So Will, let's get right down to it. Why are you such a douchebag?

WF: Excuse me?

DA: Ever since Old School, you've played some of the shittiest comedy roles I've ever seen : Ron Burgundy - Anchorman (wasn't all bad, people quoting this made it worse), retarded rollerblader or something - Blades of Glory, retarded race car driver - Talladega Nights, a retarded basketball coach - Semi-Pro, and one of the retarded step brothers - Step Brothers. They are basically all the same character with different jobs. Did you notice that when you accepted the money for these roles?

WF: Hey, I never noticed that, but it's kind of true if you think about it. You are smart! Do you think I'm retarded?

DA: You are....you must be....is it still a question? it's still a question?

DA: Moving on. 2 Part question: What made you decide John C Reilly should be in comedy and did he enjoy the flavour of your penis?

WF: Hey man! before Talladega Nights he played Buck Bretherton in "Days of Thunder," hell! he was Tucker Van Dyke in "What's Eating Gilbert Grape?." Case in point.

DA: Yea...no, not much for a convincing case. Did you ever see that movie with the cat and dog and they float down the river in a box?

WF: Umm...yea, but what does that have to do with my interview?

DA: Ohh, I'm done. I figured you'd have realized that I pretty much hate you by know and would have jumped off a cliff onto a pile of rusty hacksaws and famous cartoon villains!

WF: Ok, welp, I should probably go get braces anyways. See ya.

National Pillow Fight Day!

Adam and I just returned from a great day of pillow fighting in downtown Raleigh, NC. There was a great showing of some really cool people. It made me feel a little better about this world. There were no douche's there or assholes. Just people to have a good time and pillow fight.....so I beat the crap out of them with a pillow and danced in victory. We got some footage and will be uploading it soon. Hope everyone made it out to their city's pillow fight and had as good a time as we had. I need some water, I gotta get drunk tonight.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fb3-iQ5xC_0

Alternative Fuels for PEOPLE

What if you never had to sleep? You could do so many things. And don't get me started on eating....talk about a waste of time....

That's why I invented.....

drumroll.....

GASOLINE FOR HUMANS!!!! It's a fuel that nourishes and energizes 24/7. Unfortunately, you still have to poop. (did I say unfortunately?)

What to call it? Humaline? Humangas? Manjuice? I think I'll stick with Humaline [hu-ma-leen].

Humaline: No more food, no more sleep....unless you want to. But you better believe I'm gonna fucking draw all over you while you sleep.

Some drawbacks to no sleep:

-asshole bosses would make you work a lot
-your kids would have soccer practice every day (but they could probably drive themselves at age 8)
-8 year old drivers

Ok, it's not a real product but you were totally pumped to drink some.

P.S. Pillow fight this weekend in downtown Raleigh (and most other big US cities). For all of you who live in dumpy, redneck towns; dont worry Adam is gonna film it and put it online. Unless my pillow slaps the camera out of his girly hands. Yes, he would cry.

-Dbles

Observatienn Diagram

The Love Language Experience

Yo son,

Last night, Scott, Adam, and myself went to see our old buddy, Tom's, band play in Chapel Hill, NC and they were pretty sweet. The band's name is "The Love Language" and they put on a supremely entertaining show. Go download "Lalita" or "Manteo", you'll be tappin' your foot like Adam Barefoot taps asses, HARD. They are touring the U.S. right now, if you like music and they come to your town, you should go see them and chant for Tommy because he bangs those drums like Michael J Fox trapped in a gong factory after he's had 1 too many red bull vodkas.

Another bonus was that they had a few opening bands that were also pretty diabetic! (in a good way, I think that's Type II) The band's names were "Oh Captain My Captain" and "Max Indian." It worked out to be a great night because usually with lesser known bands you get one opener in there that isnt so good but you can't leave because the band would totally notice and maybe even call you out over the mic....how embarassing. I never felt that way, hooray! But, when I looked around at everyone in the audience, why did I see so many darn "unique individuals" with the stupid Kanye West sunglasses on and wearing backpacks to a night out of music and drinking fun? I felt like a guy wearing a cape and top hat could show up at any time and not to defend us concert-goers from criminal action. Now, I don't wanna get started on what I hate about people so I'll just give them a pass...maybe the lighting was refracted off of the snare drum into their retinas and maybe they needed a change of clothes for when their dancing in place for so long stretches our their black, straight leg jeans. I'm guessing everybody has heard the saying, "the tighter your pants, the cooler you dance." Well, it was in full effect last night. The only drawback was that the guys were the ones with the tight pants.

To finish off the night, we ate Jimmy John's and made prank phone calls. If you would like a prank phone call from us (and they are fucking good), leave your phone number in the comments section and we can make it happen. We may have even filmed a few of them, if this is the case, they should be on youtube soon.

and here is a live video of The Love Language playing Manteo

Peace, love, chicken grease,

Danny